I once believed...

Alone again. Alone this night.

Dwelling on my dreams and fears.

Alone again, no more light.

So many failures bring the tears.

I once could dream.

I once believed.

I fear I will never dream again.

I am alone

Sometimes the past is better left in the past.

But always that advice comes from one who speaks from experience.

People always want more in their life

and when part of their past is missing it is natural to want to discover it.

Sometimes at any cost.

I have a hidden past.

Not hidden as much as it once was, but still hidden.

The parts I have learned, uncovered,

are proof positive that the past is better left in the past.

Still, I cannot seem to leave well enough alone.

Surely acquiring knowledge you were better off not knowing

does not entice one to continue on down that path? So why then?

Why must I continue this journey?

I suppose, because it is MY journey.

It is the only journey I have travelled.

I think it is natural, it is compelling,

to want to know all about each and every stop I made

on the journey that brought me to this point in my life.

Perhaps in doing this I will be more able to carry on, positively.

Perhaps not.

There is risk. Always.

But I have always liked taking risks.

Perhaps because I never knew the comfort of the known,

the unknown was just as enticing?

One regret. No matter how many people surround me, I am alone.

Why have I been burdened with such a curse as loneliness?

Tell Me God

The tragedies of children wrought

when the Devil takes their innocence.

A mother's soul this Devil sought,

but that knowing is of little consequence.

And thus my childhood began,

fearing the fists of a drunken man.

But I don't think I escaped the Devil's plan,

even though I'm the "luckiest" of my clan.

Time heals all wounds is the biggest lie,

as years turn into decades past.

The pain is worse as each year goes by,

why can't I find happiness that lasts?

So tell me God, creator of earth,

what good you see in a child's tears?

What value a child's soul from birth?

What right have you to impose these fears?

Am I bitter? I guess I am.

For decades dancing to the Devil's plan.

While with just one wave of your hand,

you could have shown me the promised land.

The Promise

I can't afford to live like this,
and I can't afford to die.
I want to know whose path I'm on,
don't say it's mine 'cause that's a lie.

The picture turned out different
than the promises of youth.
The sun I'm seeking's hidden by
the clouds of my life's truth.

The hills were steep and the valleys low,
still I arrived just where I am.
I may not have that much to give
but you can have all that I am.

I look up and He looks down,
and His message is so true.
All I need is you to pray to me,
and I promise to pray for you.

Time will tell and time won't lie.
Hearts will bleed and souls will cry.
The power of prayer will get us by,
but we'll never know if we don't try.

This is how I want to live,
this is how I want to die.

Who am I

Who am I and where is the man I thought that I would be?

My heart has stopped, all time is standing still.

And every mirror is lying I can see.

Where is the God that saved me, is this His will?

Truth be told I never knew the future me.

Just "trust in God", it's what your whole life depends.

Live in the moment is as far as I could see.

But His "follow me and want for nothing" never ends.

Freedom is not mine

I tried to speak my mind,
to say what was locked up in me.
I thought it would be easy,
but then I thought that I was free.

Freedom is a state of mind,
an ideal place to be.
They say put yourself in a quiet place
and freedom is what you'll see.

Well I've read all those books,
and I don't think they're for me.
My freedom is just outside of me,
and someone else holds the key.

Whole at last?

My past is getting longer,
as the years have swiftly passed.
I look back across the milestones
of a heart that's at half mast.

Part of me is missing,
it shows as cracks upon my soul.
The years have turned the cracks to scars,
am I ever to be whole?

The future is much shorter,
precious time I cannot waste.
I need help to heal this broken heart.
I need the gift of my God's grace.

Who am I to seek such a gift?
Why should my heart be raised?
Then again, who am I not too?
All God's children are worthy of His praise.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
Forgive me all my tresspasses.
My heart is open, I beg you in.
My scars are fading, will I be whole at last?

Heartstrings

Heartstrings stretched from inside out
play a tune of perfected joy.
The musician stands and turns about
although full grown he's just a boy.

Some heartstrings worn and some are new
but all are alive and all are in tune.
This boy at heart, into man he grew
gives all of his heartstrings to you.

Hopes, and dreams, and prayers all meet
and life's musician writes his tune.
The boy and girl in love should meet
and four times their love creates anew.

The boy is a father, the girl a mother
and together their love is perfected joy.
Sing me a daughter, sing me another
four daughters later, they're now bringing home boys.

What a wonderful mother,
what a wonderful wife.
She's been the guardian of my hearstrings.
She's my source of love, laughter and life.

Nicole

Nicole, 18 today.

T'was only yesterday, I cradled you in my arms.

Baby's breath, God's touch upon my face.

Eyes closed, I pray you'll never know harm.

Joy's tears, God's love upon my face.

You run and laugh, your innocence divine.

You hold my hand, so very much that means to me.

You scrape your knee, the heartache is all mine.

You look at me, and love is all I see.

Your first sister, so gentle when you touch.

I place her in your lap, you smile and hold her close.

God is here. God is love.