Regrets...

I spent the first 50 years of my life
making sure I didn't have any regrets
in the final years of my life.
I failed...

And none of us ever find out why

And we all live
And we all die
And we all struggle to get by

But still we laugh
And still we cry
And none of us ever find out why

It was a long night.

Last night I dreamed in pieces.
Of old mates, of soulmates, and lost mates.
Of good love, of bad love, of lost love.
Of old places, of good places, of bad places.
Of the bad I've done, the good I've done, the worst I've done.
Of long held regrets, of fresh regrets, of painful regrets.
It was a long night.

Dead Man Walking

Struggled to move on

Chains are too strong

The past is the prison

To a future that is gone

A soul that is home

To a heart that beats alone

A dead man walking

Demons Past

This night
Forever will this night last
Sleep stolen by demons past
Take me
Please take me fast
Save my soul from demons past

Left Alone

When left alone

With just my thoughts

My mind goes where it ought naught

It starts today

With challenges at hand

It creates a noise I cannot stand

So I travel back

To years long gone

When hopes were high, and future shone

A comfort, no

So further back I go

That darkness causes tears to flow

So I shake it off

Back to the fight

Begin my day, that's as dark as night.

I Wish You Love

I wish you happy

When I've moved on 

I wish I had found it before I was gone.

I wish you love

When I am gone

I wish I had the strength to carry on.

Please remember 

When I am gone

It was your love I relied on.

Please pray my love

I will pray my love

Eternal love. Eternal love.

I wish you love…

My pain is my healing

They say to make
the pain go away
I need to forgive.
I need to heal.

But it's my pain.
I earned it.
Worked hard for it.
My pain is my healing.

Memories Learned

Kindergarten at Rolph Road Public School

I had a friend on the corner

Another down the street

Several that just appeared

We played road hockey

Climbed tress and jumped in leaves

Crushed Pennies on train tracks

and played chicken on our bikes.

I grew up in Leaside

First as Duane, then as Bob

That's where life began

I was six. The before was wished away

The before, I'm told, was Cornwall

Then Logan Ave and The Riverdale Zoo

And a sister and a brother or two or three

And a lot of Toronto Children's Aid Society 

In a house as an only child

In another as one of many

In one where I did the laundry

In another where I was strapped, a lot

In and out

Sometimes fed, often not, never well

Sometimes hugged sometimes slapped.

And then I turned six

Then it was Leaside

Then it was real memories

Not just memories learned

from the past I had wished away 

There was public skating

and popcorn and Hockey games

Hot chocolate and The Westbury Hotel

And Santa Claus Parades

There was the Chip King

And adults playing cards

Hockey Night in Canada

and the The Flintstones at Lunch

There were also house fires

Doctor visits

Stolen cars

And skipping school

And there was a new mother that cared

And a new father who dared

He wouldn't back down

and he never gave in or up

There was a blue convertible 

Juicy Fruit gum and True Cigarettes 

There was an office on Bayview

near a diner with Lemon Pie

There was a TV Commercial

and rubber cement

There was Canada Wire and Cable

and skate sharpening and Mr. Mahovlich

There were wirehaired dogs

and a kind, elderly not-aunt

The Christmas Wish Book

And Santa Claus was real after all 

I began as a rescue dog

too scared, too quiet, too thin

But love found me and cared for me

And I received more than I deserved

And now I have the memories 

Mostly good

Some bad

And the worst, those are the memories learned