Fifteen

Fifteen years since she walked away
Fifteen years is 5,500 days of wondering what went wrong,
5,500 nights of less sleep than needed.
And still, fifteen years later, the knife in my back is still being twisted.

Born into Chaos

People who are born into chaos,
who survive their first several years
denied any love and affection.
These people don't have big dreams.
They dream only of a home
that can't be taken away from them,
and a person who won't abandon them.

It Doesn't Matter Anyway

I've never told my story.

Not my whole story.

Not to anyone.

But only because no one has asked.

Not even the few who should have.

Maybe because they think they already know,

and maybe they're afraid to know any more.

But more likely it's because it doesn't really matter anyway.

I suppose it never really did...except to me.

I Wonder if You Know?

It's 2am and I awake from my dreams, again.
You and I, and our daughters…a happy, loving family.
And yet it's been more than 14 years now,
since you ended our marriage, ended that family.

No matter how hard I try to forget…try to move on.
Not every night.
But still more often than not.
You visit me in my dreams.

And now, like so many nights,
I lay awake for hours
Wondering what went wrong.
How does a love like that just disappear?
How does a life like that just disappear?

I guess for me it doesn't.
It visits when I close my eyes.
And after 14 years I have to face that this is me.
This is my life until I die.

And I wonder if you know what you have done?
I wonder if you know what you threw away?

...at least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.

Next month will mark the 14th anniversary of when my wife of 29 years and 4 months decided she no longer wanted to be married. She simply preferred to be on her own.

She handed me a piece of paper with her lawyer's contact information and told me to find a lawyer of my own.

So much for, "for better or worse".

So much for, "until death do us part".

So much for, "Love is patient, love is kind,...love never fails".

So much for family life.

So much for growing old together with a trusted friend that knows you like no other. Trust...a word I may never be able to trust again.

Move on? I've tried. A couple times. But as the song goes, 'you can't make old friends'. As a child my birth mother betrayed me and instilled in me the determination to find a forever partner. An until-death-do-us-part partner. Someone to celebrate a 50th and 60th anniversary with... but I failed. And now that just isn't possible. No amount of wanting to move on can change that.

A simple piece of paper and my life, my future, as I had hoped and planned, was gone forever.

Amazing the power one little piece of paper can yield...at least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.

Waiting For The End

Married.
Did the vows.
A covenant between me, her, God.
For better or worse.
Richer or poorer.
Death do us part.
Yadda, yadda, yadda…
30 years later and she just wanted to be by herself.
Forget the covenant.
Forget the vows.
Forget we had a family…we WERE a family.
And God? Gone AWOL.
My life? Also gone AWOL.
That was my life.
The only life I ever wanted.
But she wanted to be alone.
"Selfish" doesn't quite cover it…
Anyway, I guess daughters naturally gravitate to mothers.
So here I am.
On the outside looking in.
Waiting for the end.

Please God. I Need to Retire.

I can't see how retiring right now, without winning a lottery, is possible. I don't need much, but I need something. If it was a big enough lottery I'd travel as well, likely non-stop. But I'd settle for just being able to retire. I am just so tired. So very tired…

WTF

I'm driving a '68 Chevelle Malibu,

my grandmother's old car,

along old Finch in Scarborough.

Going through a dark train tunnel,

with a few high school friends crowded in.

Pink Floyd's The Wall on 8-track.

"Is there anybody out there?" chilling...

Don't recall where we were heading.

Nowhere, probably. 

Warm Summer nights, mid 70s.

Just driving. Being teenagers.

The next day I woke up and I'm 62.

WTF!?

I wish I still had that old car.

I wish I still had those old friends.

I wish...

Wedding Vows

Before I was married

I learned about wedding vows. 

The covenant of love between two people, 

and between that couple and God. 

The couple pledges faithfulness to God.

And in return receive God’s grace to sustain them,

as individuals and as a couple.

Truly blessed.

And I believed this wholeheartedly.

I was such an idiot.